welcome to my blog
profile
tagboard
journal
archives
links
welcome to my blog
Koh Yang Jun (YJ)
March 8th
Anglican
Phileo
March 8th
Anglican
Phileo
9:23 PM / Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Having a distaste of your own personality can be quite destructive. Always being so easily affected by how I feel and how my own introspection messes up my emotions all the time. I know people say guys are stronger when it comes to perspective views and I know God wills strong in my life but I just don't feel suayed to His side most of the time. I know I'm the kind that can run through life without a single encouragement to recharge me but at times I feel as though my own emotions would crush and break me anytime if I didn't have God with me at all. Pros and Cons? It's stress, but I don't feel that's the cause of anything right now. I figured I could handle it to some point, but I never thought the limitations to be way below even my own expectations of myself. Pacifying my own emotions, I should have learnt the better parts of myself instead of sticking to delusions of what I though I could do. The things and protocols I set for myself in my life, made me rethink if it was really what God wanted me to do or what I wanted me to do. My heart and spirit yearns for similar things yet different, and I crave for some company to my own heart. It's just not time yet. My mind just doesn't seem to understand me and my emotionally-tied heart at all.I realised when school started, I had to make a lot of changes in my life to cope with it. Because of the expectations set, and the results I desired. But I never took into account having to put up with so much fatigue just in the first 2 weeks of school. I need to rest. I want to rest. But my mind doesn't let me, running thoughts of the projects due'd, the module chapters that need revision, and the countless amounts of mathematical formulaes racing through my head. I'm quite a messy person actually. And plannings after plannings, I decided to paint out my schedule for the year. Somehow the season just isn't passing so quickly as I so wished. And I'm simply left alone asking why.
I really wish i could run away from it all. You know like in those movies where people live cosy somewhere far away in the end? Away from civilisation and every little distraction of the world. But at the same time I can't. I just can't run away from God. I know He wants me there with Him as he pushes me along, but at times I feel I'm already ready to crumble. There's just this void that never seemed to be filled up by anything, and I need to know why. Might have been the part and parcel of growing up, I don't know. I just feel so incomplete in every way. I need to ride out this passing storm, no matter how big it can be. I'll start again once more. Awaiting Spring.